If you don't *want* help, then don't expect me to be helpful

Human nature is a strange thing. It really is. We learn that we can turn to somebody who is better versed in a particular field if we get stuck with something they may know more about. In fact, many times, they've made it known how they prefer to be approached. Whether it's via e-mail, IM, telephonically, mailing lists, forums, etc. (Obviously telephonical contact is generally limited).

Armed now with this information, a person (let's call him Jim - Bob would get offended here) decides he's now stuck and needs help. Firstly, Jim sits staring at a screen for an inordinate amount of time waiting for something to happen. While he may thing nothings happening, in fact, many things are:

• He's forgetting exactly what sequence of actions led him to this impasse.
• His brain is recovering for actually briefly having to do some work.
• The 'problem' he has, may or may not be affecting other users.
• If the 'expert' is actually related - i.e. a company internal relationship - an 'expert' may (if he/she has seen the 'problem') be taking bets with his fellow 'experts' as to how long it'll take Jim to ask for help. This just lowers the opinion of Jim in the 'experts' opinion.

Anyway, Jim eventually decides to phone an 'expert'. He does so, and after the 'expert' has tried unsuccessfully to decipher the language that Jim is convinced is actually English, Jim is requested to send the 'experts' group an email detailing the problem. Sometimes (surprisingly) these emails actually come through quite quickly and are fairly detailed. However, that sometimes is far too seldom.

Invariably, the following sequence of events is one of the inevitable outcomes:

1. No mail comes from Jim, instead, Jim tries calling another of the 'experts'. This just ends up making Jim less worthwhile than a fly in the 'experts' eyes - as Jim is now becoming a pest.
2. Jim sends a mail - an hour later. The 'expert' that Jim "spoke" to has probably run off to a meeting now, or perhaps even gone home for the day.
3. Jim gets impatient that his query hasn't been answered immediately (even though its nowjover an hour since his initial call - its only 2 minutes since his mail).
4. Jim throws his toys and runs off to his manager crying.
5. Jim's manager gets peed off and calls the 'expert's' manager.
6. The 'expert's' manager tells Jim's manager where Jim went wrong with the process, and Jim's manager extends this newfound knowledge back to Jim.
7. An 'expert' reads Jim's mail and it says something along the lines of "I have a problem". Not "I have a problem with this and that when I do this and something else". Just "I have a problem".
8. A painful exchange back and forth between the 'expert' and Jim regarding the nature and extent of the problem.
9. Finally, once the 'expert' understands the problem - he resolves it in two minutes. This now 2 hours 37 minutes after the first phone call.

Honestly. If you want help - help the helper.

Don't just assume that the 'expert' is a mind-reader amongst his/her other skills. There are plenty of resources on the web which can assist and teach just how to approach this type of issue. As in How to Ask Questions the Smart Way and How to Report Bugs Effectively. (These can be applied to life in general - they don't have to be strictly computer/software related)Of course, this brings up some valuable issues, like if Jim had been able to read, he would have found his issue dealt with in black and white (and possibly screenshots, too) on the FAQ. So, STFW and RTFM, eh?

Yeah right. If Jim and his buddies could read, the 'expert' and his colleagues wouldn't have jobs.

Sad but true.

Sigh.

Email idiots

OK, so we accept it. SPAM is a way of life on the internet. You have e-mail address, you will get spam. Period. I don't like spam, but I accept it as one accepts an annoying fly.

Jokes and other humorous mail, on the other hand, I do like to receive. Yes the same mails go around again and again, but those few rare gems are worth the pile of rubbish you have to wade through to find them. Go ahead, send me a joke. Just remember to clean it up before you do.

What?

Yes. Clean up the motherfucking shit from the top and the bottom. Come on... I taught my mother to do it years ago, and all she can do on a PC is read/send mail and play card games!

I don't fucking care who sent you the mail. As such, why should I have it shoved in my face?

Surprisingly, I also don't take any interest in the e-mail disclaimers/signatures of the last 43 people to have forwarded the mail. So stop sending the shit to me.

In fact, that 2-liner joke was lost amongst the 100KB of crap.

Essentially, you're sending me pages and pages of garbage, that is not worth my time reading. (Yes, apparently there is a joke in there somewhere, when you find it feel free to forward it - the joke that is.)

So, let's recap quick:

• Spam = email full of junk/crap that I have no interest in reading.
• Joke email from idiot = email full of junk/crap that I have no interest in reading. (regardless of the eventual joke - by that time I'm too frustrated)

So, therefore:

Joke email from idiot = Spam.

Gotcha!

When I get spam from a seemingly legitimate source, I have their ISP crap them out and potentially terminate their service. Unfortunately, its not so easy when you work for the same company as the fucknut. So, I've found an alternative...

SUBSCRIBE THEM TO EVERY FUCKING SPAM/PORT/UCE/CRAP LIST I CAN FIND!


Maybe when they start getting crap they'll appreciate the value of the recipient's time. But then again I highly doubt it.


Either way - I stop reading mail from the idiot and the idiot's time gets consumed.


Looks like I win... Again :)

Thanx

Tell me: Are there that many people out there that are that lazy that they cannot type ONE extra letter?

Case in point - the word 'Thanx'. HOW FUCKING DUMB do you have to be that that actually looks pleasant to read? It offends me. Really. Is your time worth so much that you can't afford the extra 150milliseconds to type 'ks' instead of 'x'?

Thanks is spelt T-H-A-N-K-S. Anything else is an abomination. How badly did you do at spelling in school? Or were you beaten up by a big polystyrene K and S? Does plain english (yes, believe it or not, that is the language in which I interact with you) seem like an alien concept to you?

You're probably the same sort of person that likes using SMS/Texting slang, aren't you?

Jargon is one thing, but shortening a word that is already a shortened form of a phrase is taking it too far.

Or wud u rthr I tlk lik dis?

Fucking idiots.

This is me.

OK, so I'm no blogger. I just need to rant. Well, here it is folks. My own rantspace.

(yay)